Becoming

Who am I becoming?

Who was I?

Who am I supposed to be?

Who do I want to be?

At times I think I know..

At times I don't have a clue.

I think I know what I want, and who I want to be,

but is that who I am supposed to be? Is that the life 

I am supposed to live? or is it where I am today?

What I need seems to be in constant conflict with what I want.

I wax in and out of a sea of fear.

Swallowing the lump in my throat for fear of being alone. 

I silence the pain i feel, that feeling of being undesired,

taken for granted, always rolling over, apologizing...

swallowing my pride and that lump in my throat out of fear.

Fear of losing what I have, so I make the peace, and cower down.

I wait for a touch...that tangled dance of love...like the sun, shining on my cold skin.

Always waiting. Afraid to say how I feel...I don't want the distance that comes.

Why is it so hard for people to see when they're wrong? 

Am I supposed to stop caring, and numb out so that the hurt doesn't touch me anymore?

Is this how it works? Is this what I'm supposed to do? No instructions...

Uncharted territory

The love I have is open ended...unconditional. It always will be.

What Becomes, one thing is for sure, whatever that is, it will.

Become

Dispatches from the Farm: The Wolf approaches

Dispatches from the Farm: The Wolf approaches

I don't know anything....

things have shifted
I can sense the plates of my life coming apart, and becoming something new.

The fear would come, but I would give it away. 
I don't care anymore...I'm weightless
I imagine myself a man, trapped in a numb world, drugged out of his mind, embracing each new high, new lover, new peril....open to all, and closed to everything.

I never realized I don't have to settle. I don't have to force anything to work. I don't have to be okay with people, places, situations, things....okay with things I'm just not okay with. 

Moving forward...pushing my ship off the dock into unknown waters, and I'm going to bed below decks. I don't care what I wake too..whether I'm above the deep, or deep below it. 

I'm the train station. People coming and going in and out...through me. No-one stays. They arrive, and leave. But I stay in the same place. I keep the time. 

I will take adventures of my own from here- and return, back to this place. Myself.

What lies ahead? Where do I go?
I don't know anything....

John Brown