Wednesday, December 2, 2015


Who am I becoming?
Who was I?
Who am I supposed to be?
Who do I want to be?
At times I think I know..
At times I don't have a clue.
I think I know what I want, and who I want to be,
but is that who I am supposed to be? Is that the life 
I am supposed to live? or is it where I am today?
What I need seems to be in constant conflict with what I want.
I wax in and out of a sea of fear.
Swallowing the lump in my throat for fear of being alone. 
I silence the pain i feel, that feeling of being undesired,
taken for granted, always rolling over, apologizing...
swallowing my pride and that lump in my throat out of fear.
Fear of losing what I have, so I make the peace, and cower down.
I wait for a touch...that tangled dance of the sun, shining on my cold skin.
Always waiting. Afraid to say how I feel...I don't want the distance that comes.
Why is it so hard for people to see when they're wrong? 
Am I supposed to stop caring, and numb out so that the hurt doesn't touch me anymore?
Is this how it works? Is this what I'm supposed to do? No instructions...
Uncharted territory
The love I have is open ended...unconditional. It always will be.
I need love too. I need affection. I need to know that this dance is mutual.
I don't always want to lead. I don't always want to pursue.
I want to be wanted too. I want to be appreciated. I want to be respected. I want to be loved. 
I'm afraid to lose her. Is she afraid to lose me...or would she watch me walk away and do nothing?
What is becoming of us? Who am I becoming to keep this? Who would I become if I didn't have this, when this is all I believe I want. All I have ever wanted. Do I stand up for my feelings, Do I be true to myself, or do I hush my needs away, so I can remain in her sun? 
Does she even see what is becoming of me?
What Becomes, one thing is for sure, whatever that is, it will.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I don't know anything....

things have shifted
I can sense the plates of my life coming apart, and becoming something new.

The fear would come, but I would give it away. 
I don't care anymore...I'm weightless
I imagine myself a man, trapped in a numb world, drugged out of his mind, embracing each new high, new lover, new to all, and closed to everything.

I never realized I don't have to settle. I don't have to force anything to work. I don't have to be okay with people, places, situations, things....okay with things I'm just not okay with. 

Moving forward...pushing my ship off the dock into unknown waters, and I'm going to bed below decks. I don't care what I wake too..whether I'm above the deep, or deep below it. 

I'm the train station. People coming and going in and out...through me. No-one stays. They arrive, and leave. But I stay in the same place. I keep the time. 

I will take adventures of my own from here- and return, back to this place. Myself.

What lies ahead? Where do I go?
I don't know anything....

John Brown

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Slow down. Try. 
Burning out like a comet.
Why do I do this?
You have time.
Trust yourself. Follow. 
Seek. For you, for yourself.
Don't give up the ship...
Not just yet. 
There will be a time and place, 
but it is not today. Not now.
Protect the road ahead.
Stay on it. Stay true.
Don't stop. No passengers.
Only fellow adventurers.
Time to find yourself,
Take your time doing it.
Time to get lost.
You really only know little.
What will tomorrow bring, 
You do not know.
So, why the rush friend?
Sit and watch.
Take it in. Enjoy this.
It's Okay.
It's Okay.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

best you not wake that which sleeps

the angst and pain are the fires that forged me
the hunted becomes the hunter
no small amount of grace to make him sleep
the heavy scars of deeply inflicted wounds serve to remind, not forget
you fools, the death that awaits you behind the door you beat on
the proud, cavalier tread heavy on the thin ice of vengeance
best you not wake that which sleeps
you disturb something that has no remorse, no fear, no limit 
blinding rage that burns hotter than the flames of hell
consuming itself and everything around it, consuming you
that which sleeps is from a time of war, a time of death...
that which sleeps only becomes stronger through the ages
it wishes to be left in peace, asleep, but lusts for death in its waking mind
longing to die whilst dealing out death, an honorable death
it is that which sleeps which you fools do not respect
you fools
best you walk silently and pass unnoticed. best you not wake 
that which sleeps.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The circle is broken

This land cries, and the world with it. sanity is gone, peace is lost, balance thrown off, the path is wide.
i have "burn in" from another time, and i don't believe i'll ever find a way to fit in this time, day and age, this society. Blood in my veins has overpowered everything else in me to the point where the wolves are at each others throats all the day and night. Duality of man. Indeed. No amount of money is ever enough. No amount of effort ever gets a much needed rest. No justice in this lopsided camp. I'd have fought till the bitter end too...Chief Joseph lies under a slab of stone in the mid-west, never again in his life would he set eyes on his homeland. Only in death would he go home. None of us have been where we belong or fit since. Not those of us who are bound to this land. Wild at heart, free. You can't tame a wild animal. Cage it, and believe you have broken something in it, only to deceive yourself. Wild i remain, wild they remain. Touching on something in your deep. Free, wild? Without death to have to realize it? Oh what a day that will be....the best day on this earth, the last. The prairie unmolested, the mountains solid...color still beneath the earth, of no use to the residents above, as it should be. It was beautiful. The circle is unbroken.Wall street doesn't exist, or the White House. Smoke is rising from where I sleep. The water is safe to drink. I will, based on my merit, on who I am, not what I am in the scales of this world. I want you to inherit this struggle, and see. See. Have your eyes opened 'fore they close for the last time.

Friday, April 26, 2013

the unknown

if I could know, would I want to? If i had the chance, would I take it? Somedays the answer is yes, somedays its no. A grand design, or plan....did it start out that way? did i change things somehow? Did God know i would try to, and even that's part of it all? Should I even wonder, and would it matter anyway?
I suppose all things will be revealed in due time. The unknown excites me. I have butterflies in my stomach, awaiting the time ahead, because i don't know. Where will I go, what will I become, will I experience this all alone, or will I have someone to share it with? Man has always tried to search for the unkown. I can't for the life of me understand why, after all,  the unknown is right around the corner, in the next 5 the coffee shop, or in one look at eyes you've never looked into before.....will they be there looking back at me years from now, or gone just as fast as they appeared?....I both love and fear the unknown. I suppose I wouldn't want it any other way.