Yeah Buddy

miss my old '89 toyota 4x4.... 

Spud

                   

            another chance to do my best....

My own path

Words from a priceless book....

"If I continue to relive my old hurt, it is a resentment and resentment bars the sunlight from my soul. If I continue to relive hurts and hates, I will hurt and hate myself. After years in the dark of resentments, I have found the sunlight. I must let go of resentments; I cannot afford them."

here comes the harder task....turning it over to God, and accepting that I cannot make those I love do the same. I cannot make them live in the now, and stop living in the past hurts. Their path and will for their life is their own. I can only love them as they are, and accept the reality that they may choose to stay in the hurt. I cannot stay there with them, no matter how hard it is to set forth on my own path. I have removed the rear-view mirror, and choose to look ahead, lest I miss the road and spin out of control. It is my hope that I will not go forth alone, but I must. I must, or I shall come apart at the seams, and in turn destroy everything that I stayed for in the hurt in the process, defeating my purpose. Love as I do, I must keep moving, and I want you to come with me, away....away from the old hurts and hates. 

The grass is greener ahead.....our future is waiting for us, our children are waiting for us, Life, Love, and our Dreams are waiting for us. Shall we look at them as they sink into the horizon like a setting sun, or shall we chase the sunset together? My own path, my trail has room for two.....Come with me. Let us live and love on OUR path. No need for a rear-view mirror where we could go. Let go, and Let's Go, my love. Trust me. I know how to get there....

Becoming

Who am I becoming?

Who was I?

Who am I supposed to be?

Who do I want to be?

At times I think I know..

At times I don't have a clue.

I think I know what I want, and who I want to be,

but is that who I am supposed to be? Is that the life 

I am supposed to live? or is it where I am today?

What I need seems to be in constant conflict with what I want.

I wax in and out of a sea of fear.

Swallowing the lump in my throat for fear of being alone. 

I silence the pain i feel, that feeling of being undesired,

taken for granted, always rolling over, apologizing...

swallowing my pride and that lump in my throat out of fear.

Fear of losing what I have, so I make the peace, and cower down.

I wait for a touch...that tangled dance of love...like the sun, shining on my cold skin.

Always waiting. Afraid to say how I feel...I don't want the distance that comes.

Why is it so hard for people to see when they're wrong? 

Am I supposed to stop caring, and numb out so that the hurt doesn't touch me anymore?

Is this how it works? Is this what I'm supposed to do? No instructions...

Uncharted territory

The love I have is open ended...unconditional. It always will be.

What Becomes, one thing is for sure, whatever that is, it will.

Become

Dispatches from the Farm: The Wolf approaches

Dispatches from the Farm: The Wolf approaches

I don't know anything....

things have shifted
I can sense the plates of my life coming apart, and becoming something new.

The fear would come, but I would give it away. 
I don't care anymore...I'm weightless
I imagine myself a man, trapped in a numb world, drugged out of his mind, embracing each new high, new lover, new peril....open to all, and closed to everything.

I never realized I don't have to settle. I don't have to force anything to work. I don't have to be okay with people, places, situations, things....okay with things I'm just not okay with. 

Moving forward...pushing my ship off the dock into unknown waters, and I'm going to bed below decks. I don't care what I wake too..whether I'm above the deep, or deep below it. 

I'm the train station. People coming and going in and out...through me. No-one stays. They arrive, and leave. But I stay in the same place. I keep the time. 

I will take adventures of my own from here- and return, back to this place. Myself.

What lies ahead? Where do I go?
I don't know anything....

John Brown

Slow down. Try. 

Burning out like a comet.

Why do I do this?

You have time.

Trust yourself. Follow. 

Seek. For you, for yourself.

Don't give up the ship...

Not just yet. 

There will be a time and place, 

but it is not today. Not now.

Protect the road ahead.

Stay on it. Stay true.

Don't stop. No passengers.

Only fellow adventurers.

Time to find yourself,

Take your time doing it.

Time to get lost.

You really only know little.

What will tomorrow bring, 

You do not know.

So, why the rush friend?

Sit and watch.

Take it in. Enjoy this.

It's Okay.

It's Okay.

"castles in the sky" -taylor steele premier, san francisco, california

may, 2010 in chinatown, a packed house full of fellow surfers....great film, good times, thanks Aqua surf shop dudes!

That which sleeps

the angst and pain are the fires that forged me

the hunted becomes the hunter

no small amount of grace to make him sleep

the heavy scars of deeply inflicted wounds serve to remind, not forget

you fools, the death that awaits you behind the door you beat on

the proud, cavalier tread heavy on the thin ice of vengeance

best you not wake that which sleeps

you disturb something that has no remorse, no fear, no limit 

blinding rage that burns hotter than the flames of hell

consuming itself and everything around it, consuming you

that which sleeps is from a time of war, a time of death...

that which sleeps only becomes stronger through the ages

it wishes to be left in peace, asleep, but lusts for death in its waking mind

longing to die whilst dealing out death, an honorable death

it is that which sleeps which you fools do not respect

you fools

best you walk silently and pass unnoticed. best you not wake 

that which sleeps.

The circle is broken

This land cries, and the world with it. sanity is gone, peace is lost, balance thrown off, the path is wide.
i have "burn in" from another time, and i don't believe i'll ever find a way to fit in this time, day and age, this society. Blood in my veins has overpowered everything else in me to the point where the wolves are at each others throats all the day and night. Duality of man. Indeed. No amount of money is ever enough. No amount of effort ever gets a much needed rest. No justice in this lopsided camp. I'd have fought till the bitter end too...Chief Joseph lies under a slab of stone in the mid-west, never again in his life would he set eyes on his homeland. Only in death would he go home. None of us have been where we belong or fit since. Not those of us who are bound to this land. Wild at heart, free. You can't tame a wild animal. Cage it, and believe you have broken something in it, only to deceive yourself. Wild i remain, wild they remain. Touching on something in your deep. Free, wild? Without death to have to realize it? Oh what a day that will be....the best day on this earth, the last. The prairie unmolested, the mountains solid...color still beneath the earth, of no use to the residents above, as it should be. It was beautiful. The circle is unbroken.Wall street doesn't exist, or the White House. Smoke is rising from where I sleep. The water is safe to drink. I will, based on my merit, on who I am, not what I am in the scales of this world. I want you to inherit this struggle, and see. See. Have your eyes opened 'fore they close for the last time.

the unknown

if I could know, would I want to? If i had the chance, would I take it? Somedays the answer is yes, somedays its no. A grand design, or plan....did it start out that way? did i change things somehow? Did God know i would try to, and even that's part of it all? Should I even wonder, and would it matter anyway?
I suppose all things will be revealed in due time. The unknown excites me. I have butterflies in my stomach, awaiting the time ahead, because i don't know. Where will I go, what will I become, will I experience this all alone, or will I have someone to share it with? Man has always tried to search for the unkown. I can't for the life of me understand why, after all,  the unknown is right around the corner, in the next 5 minutes....at the coffee shop, or in one look at eyes you've never looked into before.....will they be there looking back at me years from now, or gone just as fast as they appeared?....I both love and fear the unknown. I suppose I wouldn't want it any other way.

Indian Summer.....

Indian summer is always such an important time to me. I cannot explain how or why, but just one day to myself along the coast during this time of year does so much for my mind and spirit. A total reboot, recharge, refresh of all my senses, desires, dreams, hopes, all of it. I never really plan this day each year either, it just sort of happens, as if i'm called out there by an unseen force each year. It may be all in my head, and probably is, being the superstitious surfer i am. Either way, i count on it each year, so i can move forward, and this year coming is going to be a good one if this day was any indication....here are some images of my Indian Summer on Pacific Coast Highway 1, California...enjoy.

dashed on the rocks...

Not like Moses came, in a basket down a gentle stream...
Not for you my son, you were born into a maelstrom on a listing ship.
All the while He was there, do you see?
All the while I've clung to you, and you've clung to me.
Make no mistake my son, much like I, you've been dashed from the start...
you know not now, that a mark's on your heart.
Bottle up life not, pour it out to Him...
Keep it not inside, keep it not within.
Son, I know, for there i've already been.
All around you, men will crumble, down on the first blow...
but not you and i, oh no. Cracked from stone, on we will go.
Made for a season, through the fire our steel. He's pounded us flat,
made for the kill. Sharpened in hurt, bent for His will.
I know it seems heavy, this world evokes wrath....
but you will be strong, you must be, for this path.
Man up son, play the part. I am not worried, I know you've the heart.
The times lay ahead, when they'll need men like us...
men of nerve, men who've suffered, men with angst, when we've only sought love.
We'll get our chance, we'll have our day.
The Lord's had to harden us up, so we'd make it all the way.
For in this truth, be thankful, be glad....for one day you will be,
when the rest have been had.
Look them in the eye, and plant your feet....
knowing you can square off with anything life throws you, anyone you meet.
Fear is our enemy, in that lies defeat.
We have no cause to worry though, He has them already beat.
He goes on before us, just keep on your feet.
Keep your chin up, don't look left, don't look right.
Don't you dare stop, don't look down, and keep Him in sight.
Don't feel like you fail me, I know you'll do right.
I push you hard, I press you, I won't let up, and there's a good reason why.
I want to be sure Son, that you're stronger than I.

The Tourist

Just passing through....
I'm packing light with a heavy heart.
They're waiting for me, and I'll someday be waiting for you.
Been given what i need, and not much else.
No lofty degree, no material wealth...
just my soul, my identity, and my bill of health.
I don't speak several languages, and i don't
tango dance.
I wear worn out levis, i don't starch my pants.
I don't belong here, I belong where i'm going...
just a tourist passing through, loving, admiring.
Sure, i have a job, but it's not what I'm for...
just a means to an end, till i'm called for much more.
Not the modern man, not like those in spades...
and i'd love you like they can't if given the chance.
just where i am, and that's where i'll be.
for some reason, in some ryhme....Lord knows I don't.
roads i would travel, but i can't and i won't.
If i stay on this road, and i follow his will,
my destination will be revealed. I know it will.
I travel alone, but I'd love you to come...
just pack light, for we surely will roam.
I can offer only this heart, for that's all i have to give..
but i promise you this, we will truly live.
On a leave of sorts, till the trumpets blow...
and it's in that hour, that you'll truly know...
why i cannot go where some men do, for the time is short,
and i've a job to do.

and nothing else matters....

Letting my folks down
Letting myself down
Marching in the hot sun towards an unknown future
You weren't with us yet but you already made it all worthwile
1,700 miles from all i've known
sixteen lanes into four
I can't find a quiet place, and all night long the jets roar overhead
she screams at me, i know she wants to leave, but i don't know why
you're on your way, like a bomb dropped into a total war zone
i was blown away by you, and nothing else mattered...
my life changed forever, my life had a purpose forever
it all happened within the course of a year, and your waves will go on forever causing ripples in my pond till long after i'm gone
my parents had to shove me off the dock like a ship to sea
i fought like hell and helplessly watched you both being ripped from me
going through the motions because to keep going on is all i know,
i put one foot in front of the other
i know you didn't see, that to not see you, was killing me. I know you couldn't see, that to talk on the phone only made my heart bleed
it all fell apart again, my best laid plans....
making mockery of my wants and my will when it wasn't his...
i see now, what i didn't see then, and i praise him now for what he brought me through that i cursed him for allowing then
we three are survivors, more than that, victors....our hour is at hand, you and i
we will dream big dreams together, be free to be together, you and i...
i can walk through fire. i can take it all. I am not afraid, for i am in her good graces. She is beautiful, she is part of me, she loves me as i love her. i'll never be lonely if i have her in my life....
and nothing else matters

Merlin's Dust......

I have a good friend up north in Washington taking hunks of steel, copper, brass, and aluminum, mixed in with some metal flake, and turning it all into the desires of a man's heart. I speak of two wheeled freedom. Freedom from the norm. Freedom from the stripped down sissified modern man mold that society has created. Freedom from whatever it is you need freed from.....women, jail, booze, past....put your knees in the breeze on one of these..... I present to you in it's early form.."Merlin's Dust"

dig it....
below are some footnotes on the build by the man himself....
"3 years in the making of the roller, 2 months for the whole rest of
it. handmade frame, handmade front end and trees, all mounts
,controls, tabs and bungs scratch built in house. trees,top and lower
motor mounts are made to mimic the shape of the triumph rocker boxes
.3 weeks ago i drove down to napa from tacoma to pick up paint from
brandon penserini, drove back,built it up in 3 days and drove back
down to orange county for born free 3."

go and let your eyes be opened....

www.heyitsnatescrap.blogspot.com

Coasting along.....

in a strange place.
puzzled by my current state.
having to let go and move forward.
things left unsaid.
another time.
another life.
feet are asleep.
hunk of lead hanging in the lower part of my heart.
wind blowing through my hole like a hurricane.
i have much, but it doesn't matter sometimes.
time for a drive.
time to coast in that familiar place.
Coasting along in solitude....

Noble Red Man, Lakota speaks.....

"You are going to learn the most important lesson- that God is the most powerful thing there is. We indians aren't afraid to die. We've got a place to go, a better place, so we don't care. We're ready. We just want you to know. Maybe you can change, maybe you can stop what's coming. There's not much time. It's going to happen. Take it from me. Tell them Noble Red Man said so!"

The Wolf approaches

You've pursued me all along, you've thrown me off course, and dashed my faith with fear. I am only a man, but a man with a mark. Like a target sprayed with mist for a sniper to see, you have always known what is inside me. You attack like a wolf at night, waiting for me to linger. You sense fear and feed on it. You've stolen my sleep, and made me believe in the darkness. I had to believe in darkness to believe in the light. You made me believe in the light, I doubt you had that in mind when you shook me. I saw you once, and and thought it was just you, but I had to see you to know someone else was standing sentry there. Your persistence has been like a goat's head stuck in my foot.....but that goat's head has been in my foot so long, it bothers me no more. In your effort to weaken my resolve, you've only had the same effect as a half-dose of antibiotics to an infection....you've only strengthened me and made me more resistant to you. Remember one thing, for i always will, you may strike me down, but the one inside me, you never will.

Luke 10:16-20

16 "He who listens to you listens to me; he who rejects you rejects me; but he who rejects me rejects him who sent me." 17 The seventy-two returned with joy and said, "Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name." 18 He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. 19 I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. 20 However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."

found this online also:

^{"Of wolves and men"}


Away in the forest all dark-some and deep,

The wolves went a-hunting when men were asleep;

And the cunning old wolves were so patient and wise,

As they taught the young cubs how to see with their eyes,

How to smell with their noses and hear with their ears,

And what a wolf hunts for and what a wolf fears.

-Nancy M. Hayes